in which I lay out the reasons I'll never win a Pulitzer

I never know where to start with a blog. Should I begin with "greetings and salutations!" Or. Should I start by just diving into the subject at hand? The former would get old. Fast. The latter would likely lead to a great deal of posts being nonsensical. Because when left too much to my own devices; my brain will wander. ADHD for the win, people. For the win.

So we're going to just get to the point. Eventually.

Now.

Right now.

Whenever I am introduced to someone new, or I've had a lot of alcohol and introduce myself to someone new; I always get the same question. The second someone asks what I do for a living and I say 'Oh I'm a writer', the next question is some variant of this: "What do you write?" (For the record this also was a recurring theme when I was training dogs full time: "What kind of dogs do you train?" Or my personal favorite: "Can you help me with my dog [for free]?")

I never know how to answer this. First because my first published book is about Bromance in 1920's England and under aged sex. And a few other themes that take a turn for the dark here and there. And I do live in Idaho, and as much as I love being so close to all my favorite outdoor activities; there are some pretty hard core conservatives in these parts. It's hard enough being openly gay(ish) much less having some people know what Holbrook Academy is actually about.

The second reason I never know how to answer this question is because I don't know what I write. To me the themes of my stories are all basically the same: life pretty much will kick your ass given half a chance, your friends are important, loyalty is paramount, and faith in something larger then yourself will see you through. These are difficult subjects to sum up in a single sentence. Though I just did apparently, but I could wax poetic on the topics for ages. (Note to self: use this as a blog topic when you run out of interesting things to say tomorrow.)

But the reality is that while I always have similar themes running through my work, vary rarely is anything truly with in the same genre. Most of my work skips around the genre department as I see fit. My story Modern Privateer deals with espionage and high stakes white collar crime. But Alt-Jumpers is a hard core Sci Fi Adventure. And while Nothing Like Flying is a WWII epic, Werewolves of Portland is a Paranormal Noir. So the idea that I can pin "what I write" to a few short sentences, is daunting at best. I usually just settle for the blanket term "Oh, just fiction." If the person is actually curious they'll press for more information, or accept this answer and move on with life.

And then of course they all want to know if I ever wrote anything they've read. This is a no-brainer because no, they really very likely have not. Unless they frequent the GAY section at the book store, chances are good my only published book has never crossed their radar.

Finally, comes the kicker: "Do you write anything like Twilight/50 Shades of fucking Terrible/etc etc?"

This question annoys me to no end. It grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. First the implication is that if I haven't written anything like Twilight, nothing I've ever written or will write is worth anything to any one. Second the idea that the load of crap churned out for mass media consumption is some how comparable to what I write...is down right insulting.

I realize people don't know any better. But honestly, those of us who pride ourselves on having a smidgen of talent - do not relish the notion of being compared to hacks who got lucky. I usually grind my teeth and put an abrupt stop to the conversation by saying something that makes me sound like a stuck up jackass in love with my own work, and a delusional asshole. It usually goes something like "I couldn't write that kind of worthless tripe if I were comatose."

This total lack of public decorum might be why I'll never win a Pulitzer. It also might have something to do with the fact I have a tendency to write things simply because "Dude, that sounds cool!" in my head. Either or.